Fort Erie vs. Calgary - musical lyrics if done by two rap icons

 Welcome back to the CCHL and learn how AI can transform a normal, regular-season game in October - and make it something more!  

Last time out, it was all about how Shakespeare would see and write about a CCHL game in his own way.  The result was fun so in preparing this week's piece, I wanted to do something completely opposite.  

What's opposite to Shakespeare, you ask?  I couldn't think of anything more opposite of Shakespeare than some good old-fashioned rap!  

Before you start wondering if this will be full of explicit lyrics, don't worry, I asked my assistant to ensure that it was a cuss-free version of rap.  

Now if we could get anyone to do a song about hockey, who knows the ice better than a man who had the word in his name?  Yes, I'm talking about that cat Rob Van Winkle, and you probably know him as Vanilla Ice!  

Now I've probably got a certain GM in Springfield shaking his head, but let's be real, this has to happen!  

So without further delay, I give you the game between Calgary and Fort Erie where Vanilla Ice makes it into a hit song!  

[Intro – Spoken w/ Swagger]
Yo stop — grab your stick and listen,
Falcons and Chinooks in a cold collision.
Ice is back with a hockey edition,
So lace up tight — we on a mission.

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No goals yet, but the game got rough,
First period tight, and the checks got tough.
Zadorov steppin’ — interference call,
4:29, had to take that fall.

Slavin got the hook, yeah, caught that stick,
Ref threw the arm up, penalty real quick.
Fehervary high stick — ding, that’s a tag,
Time in the box? Man, wave that flag!

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Ice, ice hockey! (Too cold!)
Fort Erie rollin' — Calgary bold!
Ice, ice hockey! (Let’s go!)
From the first puck drop to the last goal show!

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Start of the second — blink and it’s done,
Six seconds deep and the Falcons got one!
Nichushkin rips it, top shelf flame,
Trocheck, Hagel — all in the game.

Chinooks fight back with a powerplay strike,
Karlsson scores — yeah, they doin’ it right.
Rantanen assists, Larsson in flow,
14:25, now it’s one-to-one, yo!

Then came Bahl with a hookin’ slip,
Fox got tripped — he took that dip.
Larsson interfered, laid out that check,
Refs keepin’ score with the rulebook deck.

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Ice, ice hockey! (Break the ice!)
Stick on stick in a game this nice.
Ice, ice hockey! (Lights on red!)
Third period comin’ — better go full tread!

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Short-handed? Nah — Falcons still blastin’,
Hagel on the break, that boy movin’ fast and—
Trocheck dishin’, Fox on the dot,
3:59 — and they took that shot!

Stone got a goal, now it’s gettin’ thick,
Jarvis and Strome with the magic trick.
But Karlsson ain’t done — he came back again,
Scorin’ that third, put the puck in the pen.

Trocheck said “nah,” and he iced it clean,
18:26 — like a goal machine.
Then boom — Dylan Strome lit the fuse,
Jarvis and Power with nothin’ to lose!

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Yo — when the ice gets cold, the Falcons get bold.
Calgary tried, but they couldn’t hold.
Too much speed, too much soul —
Now throw your sticks up if you love that goal!

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Ice, ice hockey! (One more time!)
Fort Erie flyin’ — straight up prime!
Ice, ice hockey! (Too legit!)
Final score in — and the Falcons lit!

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[Outro – Spoken Cool-Down]
Word to your goalie.

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So there you have it - if Vanilla Ice wrote a hockey song, it would be downright terrible for the most part.  

The outro with Word to your goalie was a highlight, as well as Ice Ice hockey in the chorus!  

If there is nothing else about having AI turn our box scores into songs or Shakespearean tales, it's that it is very entertaining watching the AI work with the data and create a masterpiece so quickly. 

The one thing about it is that Vanilla Ice's version makes it just a wee bit "vanilla" for lack of a better term.  Hockey has attitude.  Hockey has fight.  It was time to turn it up a notch and bring some aggression so what if Eminem got the same box score?  Let's see what that looks like.  

Warning - there are explicit lyrics here because if there weren't, is it really Slim Shady?  The ending.....WOW - sorry Eugene!  

[Intro – Low, Whispered, Intense]
Yo...
Fort Erie... Calgary...
It’s not just a game anymore.
It’s war on frozen f**kin' glass.

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[Verse 1 – First Period: The Calm Before the Snap]
No goals, just smoke, tension thick in the dome,
Zadorov crashed hard — now he's sittin’ alone.
Four twenty-nine — interference, boom, that’s a wrap,
Ref said, "You can’t body check a ghost like that."

Then Slavin got caught, hook line like a crook,
Stick grabbed a wrist like a fish on a hook.
Fehervary’s high stick? More like “hi” to his lip,
Blood on the blade, now he's takin' that trip.

It’s chess on ice, not checkers — get smacked,
Pucks flyin’ like words in a diss track.

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[Hook – Angry, Shouting]
This ain't hockey, b*tch, this is warfare!
Skates on, mask tight, I don't f**kin' care!
Drop the gloves, drop the beat, drop a shoulder,
You want smoke? Step up — ice gets colder!

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[Verse 2 – Second Period: Pacing Picks Up]
Yo, six seconds in and Nichushkin’s lit,
Trocheck fed him fire, Hagel iced that s**t.
Fort Erie leadin’, spittin’ slapshot lines,
While Calgary’s still tryin’ to read the signs.

But Karlsson? Nah, he ain’t lettin’ it slide,
Rantanen and Larsson helped him even the tide.
14:25 — powerplay precision,
Laser to the twine like a goddamn incision.

Then Bahl got caught for hookin’, straight weak,
Fox tripped out like he fell off a beat.
Larsson interfered like a drunk in the lane,
Sent to the box with nothin’ but shame.

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[Hook – Layered Vocals, More Aggressive]
It’s a bloodsport, baby, ain’t no peace here!
They ain't playin' for fans, they playin' for fear!
Throw a hit, spit a rhyme, leave ya flatlined,
One mistake — now you sleepin’ on the headline!

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[Verse 3 – Third Period: Chaos Erupts]
Third period? It’s hell — ice crackin' from heat,
Falcons short-handed but never retreat.
Hagel with the steal — Trocheck with the flame,
Fox with the pass like he owns this game.

Then Stone got cold — buried one in the mesh,
Jarvis dropped a dime, Strome cleaned up the rest.
Chinook came back, Karlsson again — third light,
Guy’s on fire like a mic on a Friday night.

But Fort Erie don’t f**kin’ care — they came to scorch,
Trocheck back again, lit the goddamn torch.
18:26, now Calgary’s fried,
Then Strome hit again — 18:45.

Back-to-back daggers, blades to the throat,
Skated circles ‘round ‘em, left that boat floatin'.

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[Bridge – Whispered to Explosive]
You thought this was a game?
Nah...
This is pain.
This is twenty pounds of pressure in a breakaway lane.

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[Final Hook – Slower, Screamed]
No chill, no peace, no ties, no luck,
It’s a war on ice and you just got f**ked!
Falcons fly, Chinooks just freeze,
Better pray next time they show you mercy.

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[Outro – Spoken, Em-style Snarl]
Final score:
Fort Erie — six.
Calgary — suck my—