(A Dr. Seuss–Inspired Christmas Letter to Every GM)
Here's a Dr. Seuss-inspired Christmas letter to every CCHL GM from Santa Claus based on our current standings.
Fort Erie Falcons
Oh Falcons, oh Falcons, you win and you win,
You score and you score and then score once again.
The league looks quite tired, exhausted, depressed—
PLEASE STOP BEING GOOD.
(Signed, Santa. And the rest.)
Denver Spurs
Oh Spurs on your horse with a saddle so tight,
You’re strong and you’re steady and mostly alright.
But glance at Fort Erie and what do I see?
A tiny bit nervous? Just maybe. Just wee.
Capeside Loons
Oh Loons, oh you Loons, you sneak under the radar,
Winning games quietly, neater and smarter.
You say “Are we good?” and I shout “YES YOU ARE!”
Now stop doubting yourselves and go raise the bar.
Las Vegas Aces
Oh Aces, oh Aces, you roll every die,
You win games you shouldn’t and no one knows why.
Your luck is suspicious, your vibes are elite—
I checked the rulebook.
It’s all technically legal. Neat.
Calgary Chinook
The Chinook blows warm, it blows fast, it blows fierce,
It melts through the league like a hockey hot pierce.
Don’t touch it! Don’t tweak it! Don’t “fix” what ain’t broke—
Just ride that hot streak till it runs out of smoke.
Iceland Icecats
At home you’re a tiger, a beast, a delight!
On the road you’re a kitten that lost every fight.
Remember your skates. Remember your plan.
You’re still good at hockey.
Yes. Even in vans.
Fergus Flapping Kilts
Oh Kilts with your flaps and your wins running dry,
You started so strong—what went wrong? Oh my my.
A streak is a streak, it can end if you try,
But first you must stop letting pucks just go by.
Amos Comets
Oh Comets go WHOOSH as they blast through the sky,
Then BOOM they fall down and no one knows why.
I brought you some glue and a seatbelt or two—
Please stop burning up.
We believe in you.
New Mexico Scorpions
The Scorpions scuttle, they strike when you blink,
You don’t see them coming until…
Oh.
You sink.
Keep sneaking and stinging and scaring them all—
The quietest teams are the worst ones to brawl.
Victoria Ronin
A Ronin with honor, with skill and with might,
Who wins on some days and then vanishes—poof—out of sight.
Choose who you are! Be bold! Be precise!
Pick chaos or calm—just roll the same dice.
Halifax Norsemen
Oh Norsemen go raiding with goals galore,
But leave the back door wide, wide open once more.
A shield is quite handy. A defender as well.
Vikings defend.
(Just thought I should tell.)
Wisborg Donuts
Oh Donuts! Oh Donuts! You score with such flair,
But crumbs are everywhere.
Defense? Nowhere.
I love you, I do, but please understand—
Sprinkles don’t cover the whole of the plan.
Parry Sound Orrsmen
Oh Orrsmen, oh Orrsmen, so perfectly plain,
You win some, you lose some, again and again.
Not bad! Not great! Just balanced and true—
The league’s human shrug.
That is… impressive? I guess? You do you.
Seattle Reign
Oh Reign with your crown and your glorious start,
You rule for two periods—then fall apart.
A king must rule late, when the pressure is loud,
Not hand off the throne to the visiting crowd.
Niagara Falls Thunder
There’s thunder! There’s noise! There’s BOOM in the air!
But goals? Not enough.
Please add some right there.
The storm has potential, it rumbles, it roars—
Now strike like you mean it and light up the scores.
Chippawa Crackerjacks
Oh Crackerjacks pop with a bounce and a bang,
Some nights you look brilliant, some nights—just… clang.
Surprises are fun and I love the suspense,
But winning more often would make so much sense.
Georgetown Millers
Oh Millers at home, what happened to you?
You forget how to win in the place you sleep too.
I left you a sign and it says very clear:
“THIS IS YOUR HOUSE.
PLEASE ACT LIKE YOU’RE HERE.”
Senneterre Beavers
The Beavers build dams! That’s what Beavers should do!
Yours broke in November and flooded right through.
Grab logs! Grab sticks! Patch holes with great care—
The goals are escaping.
They’re everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Chattahoochee Crawdads
Oh Crawdads on roads go splat, splat, SPLAT,
It’s ugly. It’s messy. We can’t sugarcoat that.
Stay home if you must or learn how to roam—
Because holy moly, please win one from home.
Springfield Isotopes
Oh Isotopes glow and they crackle and hiss,
This season’s unstable. It’s something like THIS.
Contain it! Control it! Before it goes BOOM—
I’m writing this letter in a hazmat suit room.
Willowdale Rush
Oh Rush, oh you Rush with your speed and your dash,
You zoom to nowhere and then… gently crash.
Fast is just fast if there’s no end in sight—
Try rushing toward winning. That’d be just right.
Val-d’Or Nuggets
Oh Nuggets, dear Nuggets, I dug and I dug,
But found mostly rocks and one slightly sad lug.
There might be some gold way down deep in the pit—
Bring a bigger shovel.
You’re gonna need it.
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