Seattle Brew Issue #7
Seattle (AP) – The CCHL Seattle Reign finally opened their doors to hold their year end press conference. Media and fans alike had been waiting for some word from Reign management on recapping what led to their exit in the 1st round of the playoffs and their plans for the future.
General Manager Michelle Chapman, Director of Media Relations Bruce Wayne, Director of Scouting Simon Cowell, Director of Player Development Charles Xavier, President of Hockey Operations Keyser Soze and Head Coach Scott Stevens all took their place at the long table covered in the Reign’s colors while the banner behind the podium was adorned with a large semi-transparent rainbow with a panoramic photo of Seattle in the background.
Chapman – Good day and thank you ladies and gentlemen of the press for being here today. The reason for this press conference is to address matters related to the Seattle Reign hockey franchise. We will field questions related to the team which will encompass our Mission statement which will be posted on our website later today. Please use one of the two microphones provided to ask your question, thank you.
Art Thiel – Would you please confirm the team’s budget situation, reports indicate a net loss of over $15 million is that number accurate?
Chapman – Yes this year we forecast losing around $15 million. We began the season knowing we would lose money so we prepared ourseleves for that inevitabilitiy.
Thiel – So is that the same plan going forward and if so what is an amount you are comfortable losing?
Chapman – We have a direction that we are taking the team and we do not forsee losing money over the next few years, although that is subject to change with all of the variables involved.
Clark Kent – Has owner McCurdy stated he is not prepared to lose any more money, especially when the team is making unceremonious exits like in this years playoffs?
Soze – I was in a barbershop quartet in Skokie Iliinois with Mr. McCurdy back in the day and he is prepared to do what it takes to get revenge…err I mean avenge his teams defeats and ultimately to win.
Kent – So has he acquiesed control to the persons in this room to steer the team in that direction?
Soze – We convinced him to let us do our jobs and he will be most happy with the results and he was amenable to that.
Lois Lane – Losing all 3 home games in the playoffs disappointed a lot of fans what message can you send to the fans that things will improve for them when they do come to games?
Charles Xavier – Miss Lane I sense you have a stong connection with Mr. Kent but I digress…the next few seasons we hope the fans will be patient as we look to move in this new direction.
Lane – Not sure what you are implying Mr. Xavier and as for the last part of your answer, are you saying that Reign fans should get accustomed to losing.
Xavier – It’s important that we harness all the potential out of each player, have them focus their energy to make them stronger than they realize so they can work well as a team. Some players may not be able to handle it and may be attracted to a person with a more magnetic personality. If they stick with it I believe they will develop extraordinary abilities and become something of an X factor.
Simon Cowell – I like the sound of that!!
Xavier – Perhaps a more appropriate term like X players or X athletes
Bruce Wayne – (inaudible)
Kent Brockman – I’m sorry we couldn’t make that out what did you say?
Wayne – *coughs, leans closer to microphone* you mean X-men.
Xavier – That sounds Marvelous
Kent – I am not a proponent of that I think it could divide fans.
Wayne – I agree *stares intently at Kent*
Alexander Luthor – Mr. Kent and Mr. Wayne I wonder what would happen if the two of you were locked in a room together.
Kent – wonder…
Wayne – woah man
Diana Prince – Pardon me.
Brockman – Gentleman, gentleman back to the topic at hand. The good people of Springfield want to know what exactly is in Starbuck’s coffee and is the space needle used to sew NASA’s uniforms?
Chapman – I can’t provide answers nor wish to offer an answer to either of those questions. Can we get back to the point of this conference?
Rita Skeeter – Mr. Cowell rumours are abound that you and your scouting staff have been searching high and low for talent including being seen at the recent quidditch matches at Hogwart’s. What is you real motive for being there?
Cowell – Look I am an evaluater of talent, either you have what it takes to make it or you don’t. Even if your parents and friends tell you that you are talented that may not be the case that is why I and my two colleagues make the call.
Skeeter – So no interest in Corey Potter’s cousin?
Cowell – Harry? I think he needs a few more years of schooling before he is ready but I think he will be a Sirius threat. *smiles*
Scott Stevens – Enough! Let’s get down to business of informing people where this team is heading. I suggest advising persons what happened over the last two weeks and what they can expect next season.
Les Nessman – To Mr. Stevens point can you advise the future of the coaching staff? Based on Mr. Stevens’s appearance he will be back, is that the same for the rest of the staff.
Chapman – Yes the coaching and training staff have been retained for the next 3 years.
Nessman – Will they be made available for more radio interviews I think that medium is as important to people as others…plus I have a podcast Reign Man with Nessman.
Brockman – How aprospos …*giggles*
Nessman – I would expect mothing less from you Kent?
Kent – Me?!?
Nessman – No the other Kent
Wayne – You mean Superm…..errr Super Mario
Lane – What was that Bruce?
Kent – Nothing Lois I think he got confused *stares intently at Wayne*
Xavier – Lois, I can tell you what he was thinking *smiles*
Dick Grayson – Holy Spoiler….I would not advise that Mr. Xavier
Wayne – Robi…errr Dick…where exactly is the automobile?
Grayson – In the parkade. I made sure it is fully armed…I mean alarmed
Luthor – I’ve heard about that car. Me thinks I will take a closer look *quickly leaves room*
Wayne – Dick perhaps you could swing over to the parkade and keep an eye on the car.
Grayson – Gadzooks you’re right Bat….uhhhh Bruce I will do that *quickly leaves room*
Xavier – Don’t worry Bruce…Luthor isn’t thinking of doing anything nefarious.
Wayne – I know he won’t and you know why… *voice becomes low and gravely* because I’m Ba(inaudible)
Thiel – Okay now that the coaching staff has been decided what about the players? Which UFA’s will be retained?
Chapman – We met with all players and almost all of the UFA’s have decided to test the market.
Thiel – Even Wideman?
Chapman – Yes…he apparently has something against zebras and wishes to get one.
Kent – He actually said he wanted “to get one”?
Chapman – It was hard to hear exactly what he said, he was all over the place he seemed confused or not all there but we will not see him in a Reign uniform next season.
Kent – The only players currently under long term contracts are Bergeron, Desharnais and Vlasic with 2 years remaining and Crawford with 3. Is it safe to assume that is the core of players this team will be adding pieces around?
Chapman – Not exactly. Bergeron is open to playing for a new team if the deal is right for us.
Lane – So he asked to be traded or did the team gauge his desire in leaving?
Chapman – Patrice wants to win a championship as do we. He is arguably the best two-way player in the game today so a lot of teams may be interested in accquiring him just as we are in retaining him but if the deal makes sense we would make the move.
Brockman – Has he mentioned teams he would like to play for? Springfield?
Chapman – Obviously the closer he can get to quality poutine is a selling point for Patrice, thus Montreal is an obvious choice and he did say he thought Boston would be a fun place to play. Of course there are a handful of championship caliber teams he would be interested to join.
Skeeter – What about Pickles?
Cowell – She won’t have much of a career.
Skeeter – What?
Cowell – The singer Pickles.
Xavier – You are confused with Pebbles
Cowell – Rocks?
Nessman – Pebbles rocks? I thought she was Pop/R&B.
Wayne – I thought Pebbles was from the Flintstones
Kent – They had rocks in the Stone Age Bruce *glares at Wayne*
Stevens – Enough!! She was asking about Vlasic…his nickname is Pickles. The Brit was remembering his time in the music industry and thought of the singer Pebbles…and no not Fred and Wilma’s daughter.
Skeeter – Yes Vlasic. If Bergeron goes to Montreal would Vlasic not like to go back home?
Chapman – We will entertain offers on Vlasic but have no desire to trade him just for the sake of trading him.
Brockman – Would you trade him to Springfield if the offer is right?
Chapman – Yes
Lane – Would Desharnais also wish to join his teamamates in Montreal?
Chapman – In essence a three musketeers.
Nessamn – That’s a good chocolate bar
Cowell – I like Mars
Kent – The planet?
Wayne – Always thinking about a planet hey Clark *glares at Kent*
Skeeter – Jupiter is cooler
Nessman – That rhymes
Cowell – Eminem she’s not
Nessamn – Another fine chocalate bar
Lane – What?
Stevens – Enough!!! Lane asked if Desharnais would go to Montreal if Bergeron and Vlasic did, not about chocolate bars or planets. Stay focused people!!
Chapman – He certainly could if the deal is right but he can play quality minutes on any teams 3rd line.
Brockman – I think the big question is all of Seattle’s impending FA’s with the biggest question being will you sign or trade Malkin?
Soze – He will be traded. Either before the deadline or he will be resigned and traded. We may work something out with a team based on his current salary and the escaltors involved.
Nessman – You are going to include escalators in a trade? How about elevators?
Xavier – No Les he means the salary escalation for Malkin. It might allow a team to get him for a lower salary if we sign him and then trade him. Malkin likes Seattle. He says the gray cloudy rainy days remind him of Russia….but with more hope.
Brockman – So has he asked to be traded to Springfield?
Chapman – No. He did mention if there was a deal to be had he would like to get closer to home so Siberian, Copenhagen, Linz, Wisborg and even Reykjavik are his preferred spots. However any team interested in him may get him if the price is right.
Nessaman - $1200 Bob
Brockman - $1600
Wayne - $1601 Bob
Lane – What were the bids again?
Stevens – Enough!!!! On to the rest of the team and off the game shows.
Skeeter – You have Abdelkader, Hickey, Kindl, Ramo, Spaling and Zucker with expired contracts will all of them be back?
Chapman – Abdelkader expressed a desire to be near his home in Michigan so Fort Erie, Georgetown, Hamilton and Niagra Falls are all desirable places for him to go to….if he can get over his hatred for Canadians.
*room breaks out in uproarious laughter*
Stevens – I’m Canadian…
*room goes silent*
Kent – I owe a thank you to Canada
Xavier – Just wait along enough and Canada will say thank you to you instead
*room breaks into laughter*
Stevens – Enough!!!!
*room goes silent*
Lane – How about Hickey?
Chapman – He wanted to play on the West coast but none of the teams out here want him but he wouldn’t mind the East Coast expressing an interest in Long Island. Of course he is from Calgary so maybe that will be a good landing spot for him.
Lane – Ramo expressed a desire to play there before.
Chapman – Yes and he could go there but we need goaltending back in any deal before we can move any goalie.
Kent – Wait when you say move any goalie does that mean Crawford could be traded?
Chapman – Absolutely. Corey wants to win now and he sees us heading in a different direction so of course trading him would work out well for both sides. He likes the Midwest part of the continent so Dayton, Minnesota, Springfield and Winnipeg may be some of his preferred locales.
Brockman – Since when is Springfield in the Midwest?
Chapman – Oh there are clues out there indicating as much.
Brockman – Out where?
Chapman – Just go to your PC and check the internet.You’ll find them.
Brockman – Ooooo! They have the internet on the computer now.
Nessman – What’s the internet?
Thiel – Scott?
Stevens – Enough!!!!!
Larry Stone – Any news on retaining Kindl, Spaling and Zucker.
Chapman – We have offered a contract to Jason Zucker’s agent. We should know very soon on his front and as for the other two both parties we have agreed to mutually part ways.
Stone - So if you are not signing any UFA’s and few RFA’s that leaves with a very limited roster so you would have to busy in the FA market.
Soze – The merits of finding replacements via FA siginings is still being debated.
Steve Rudman – Are you saying you may not sign any FA’s or very few?
Chapman – We will make some signings, the quantity of which is yet to be determined as is the length of any contract offered.
Rudman – So the old axiom quality over quantity is in play?
Chapman – Perhaps. We will evaluate the market to see what is there. We also may have made other personnel moves that may or may not fill current roster needs leading up to the entry draft.
Thiel – Drafting is something you wish to build the team around going forward?
Cowell – Obviously getting talent and signing it is something I have done in the past and I think my team has done well in the last couple of year’s accquiring talent. We have needs to fill in terms of depth but we also have some young talent we feel are ready or nearly ready to step in and we hope to add to the talent pool with this year’s picks.
Lane – Like former picks Nylander and Burakovsky
Cowell – Yes they are two youngsters we are very high on.
Nessman – I thought this was a drug free organization.
Steve Rogers – It better be!
Soze – I run a tight ship! No drugs allowed.
Rogers – I better not hear different.
Soze – Who are you, the Captain of the Police?
Cowell – That’s Sting
Rogers – No America
Nessman – Sting sings Sister Golden Hair?
Cowell – No Fields of Gold
Rogers – Is that a drug reference?
Soze – There are no drugs in this organization!
Lane – Oh Scooootttt!
Stevens – Enough!!!!!! Back to propsect talk…not drugs, not musical acts…hockey prospects.
Cowell – Yes we are currently evaluating talent and hope that we can find talent wherever it may be hiding.
Skeeter – Like Hogwart’s
Lucy Pevenise – Or Narnia….I saw the production trucks setting up equipment
Kent – Narnia?! How do you get there?
Pevenise – It’s a long story.
Kent – How long?
Xavier – About 7 books worth that’s how long.
Cowell – Listen we travel all over the world to find talent and we don’t try to hide that fact so if we see talent we may have to make moves to get picks in order to get the talent or risk losing it to someone else.
Gollum – Likes the mean old rotten Hobbitsisis
Gandalf the Grey – Pipe down Gollum *stares at Gollum* continue Mr. Cowell
Xavier – There’s another long story
Bilbo Baggins – I beg your pardon.
Frodo Baggins – I think he means me Uncle.
Wayne – He means both of you….gee whiz end the story already.
Peter Jackson – I thought it ended exactly when it needed to and not a moment too soon.
Gandalf – Agreed.
Xavier – Disagreed and bored.
Clint Barton – Yeah there are a lot of people’s stories that have yet to be told.
Nick Fury – Save it Clint it ain’t happening.
James Howlett – Yeah tough luck kid…you have to be cool to get your story told.
Xavier – Indeed James indeed.
Rogers – Or a Patriot.
Mel Gibson – Yes I concur.
Soze – Mel there is a reading of Mein Kampf down the hall
*Gibson hops out of chair and quickly exits room*
Fury – Rogers, Barton let’s go something pressing has come up. Stark you too.
Tony Stark – But me and Lois were just discussing my ideas for a virtual world
Fury – There may not be a world if we don’t get back now
Kent – Perhaps I can help save your world
Wayne – Haven’t you done enough *stares at Kent*
Stark – Good luck with your little chasing a rubber disc on ice thingy…I could design you a really kick ass skate…a little turbo booster to enhance the speed
Fury – Stark!!
Stark - *stares at Lois mouthes “Call me” while using his hand as a phone hand set*
Lane - *blushes*
Stevens – Enough!!!!!!!
Thiel – So if I may inquire, what about those players with 1 year left on their contracts, Bernier, Jarnkrok, David Jones, Dominic Moore, Nyquist, Ortio, Petry and Ben Smith?
Chapman – Most of them we will look to move if the players wish and the deal is right for our team.
Brockman – Have any of them expressed an interest in Springfield?
Chapman – Bernier and Moore like the East coast so Long Island is a possible destination. Jones and Nyquist like the Central region so Winnipeg, Dayton, and Minnesota may be of interest to them.
Skeeter – Isn’t Nyquist from Europe?
Chapman – Yes and of course Copenhagen, Linz, Reykjavik and Wisborg are all places he may prefer but we may let him decide if and when he wants to go or discuss a contract extension. Our meetings were very informal with all players and we provided them with a timeline to get back to us regarding their desires and intentions depending on their comfort level with our plans.
Rudman – Petry? Jarnkrok? Ortio? Smith?
Chapman – Will trade. Will see. Will trade if a goale is coming back. Will trade.
Stone – If you trade and release all these players that leaves you quite short.
Kent – Ask Frodo and Bilbo what’s that like
*room starts laughing…except Frodo and Bilbo*
Stone – So this year other than say Burakovsky, Zucker, Nylander, Carrick there are no other players guaranteed to be in Seattle next season?
Chapman – That is correct.
*room goes silent*
Stevens – Enough!!!!!!!! Press Conference is over!!
*Chapman, Soze, Xavier, Cowell, Wayne and Stevens hurridly leave the room.*
*Stevens stops at door turns to reporters smiles* - Have a nice day everyone.
Nessman – Oh my I have to get to a phone booth and call this in.
Kent – Sorry Les those things are reserved for me.
Pevenise – I like closets
John Travolta – Me too
Brockman – Get out of my way people this is incredible news I’ve got to get this on the Springfield Channel 6 News.
Lane – I know would you believe there will be no players left on Seattle’s roster.
Skeeter – Who cares about that…the news is that Stevens smiled…this is huge news…it’s like seeing a Sasquatch.
Frodo – What’s a Sasquatch?
Gandalf – A beast living in the woods covered in hair, does not like humans, is dim witted and smells
*everyone looks at James Howlett*
Howlett – Hey don’t look at me….I shower everyday and I like Jean Grey and have slept with Storm.
Bilbo – How do you sleep in a Storm?
Pevenise – He said with a Storm.
Bilbo – How do you sleep with a Storm?
Travolta – That’s easy, of course it all depends on how rough the storm gets isn’t that right Gandalf?
Gandalf – Me? Why are you asking me?
Travolta – We’ve shared the same experiences
Gandalf – Sir I say without a doubt that we have not shared any same experiences.
Jerry Seinfeld – Not that there is anything wrong with that.
George Constanza – Absolutely not. It’s perfectly acceptable behavior.
Thiel – Did anyone get a picture of Stevens smiling?
Peter Parker – I did. *waves camera in air*
D. Prince – Would you help this girl out? *smiles at Parker*
Kent – Wrong universe.
D. Prince – Excuse me?
Howlett – Sorry honey maybe if they do a crossover one day *looks at Parker*. Let’s go kid we’ve got to get this on the web
Parker – But the web is in me.
Kent – The other web kid.
Lane – You know him.
Kent – We’ve crossed paths before.
Stone – Does anyone have an iphone charger?
Nessman – What’s an iphone?
*everyone except Art Thiel exits the room and then one figure who was standing in the shadows in the back corner steps into the light in the centre of the room. He is adorned in purple pants, with a purple long tailed tuxedo coat, a forest green shirt, a white painted face, green hair, bright ruby red lips that seem to go halfway into his cheeks, and purple leather gloves on his hands.
Thiel who has noticed the gentleman stares at him. The man in purple cocks his head towards Thiel opens his mouth to simultaneously stick out his tongue and lick his lips*
???? – And they think I’m the crazy one…..hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahaha *walks out of room continually laughing the whole way*
Thiel – *shakes head* Man, what a joker.
